When Dreams Come True and Then Change

I was five years old the first time I told my parents that I wanted to be a missionary in Africa.  That’s one year older than my oldest daughter is now.  A dream 25 years in the making this year.

There wasn’t a single year since 1990 that I desired to do anything else besides doing foreign missions.  Yes, there were times that the dream altered slightly – such as doing pediatric medical missions – but always Africa and always a missionary.

In 2011, it happened.  Our family of three started a journey that I had dreamed about for so long.  It was everything that I hoped for and nothing like I imagined.  So much caught me off guard and so often the days felt surreal – almost impossible to comprehend that we truly were living the dream.Oct 15 (47)

The Lord showed me so much about myself and even more about His purposes.  I’ve tried over the past few years to share what He has taught me but words can rarely do His lessons justice.  He’s shown me how to be transparent and honest – especially when it’s crazy hard to be that way.  He’s still teaching me to only hide behind the cross and not the masks that I tend to so easily put up.  He’s allowing me to start to grasp that it’s completely okay and perfectly acceptable to not have the answers to every questions and to find hope in His Truths and rest in the simple fact that He alone is the Answer.

So here we are 7 weeks away from the end of our stateside.  7 weeks away from when we thought our feet would be walking on the Red Island again.  Yet, those dreams are changing.  The dreams so many years in the making are taking a different turn.  He’s guiding us in not seeing every detail of the dream but in starting to realize that the only dream we should have is whatever will glorify Him the most.  The tears that fall, the way I get choked up just thinking about it, that tells me that it’s a lot easier to write it out then to live it out – but here we are nevertheless.March 14 (4) - Copy

Last week, I was given a working diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis.  I’ve started steroid infusions (monthly) this week and in the next two weeks I’ll start an immune modulator drug that will hopefully (by the grace of God) start to regulate my symptoms.  Monday, we found out that short of divine healing, we will not be allowed to go back to serve in Madagascar.  I will need to be under a neurologist and there is not that level of medical care available on the island.  There are a lot more questions than answers but He has been gracious to fill our minds with His promises rather than the worry of unknowns.

We do not know what our future holds but we do indeed know Who holds it.  Not a single moment, test result, or symptom has caught our Savior by surprise.  He is already there, has been from the beginning of time, He knows the mystery of every detail, and in Him we rest…we wait…we live.Oct 21 (9)

Focusing on the days one by one, desiring to seek out who in our path that needs to hear His story and being grateful for the opportunity to share it in our heart language.

So what do we think?  How are we doing?  What’s the plan?

To that friends, all we know to say, all we desire to stand on is that…


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About Nickolee

child of the One True God, wife to the love of my life, mom of 2 gorgeous gals, and humbled to walk daily in His incredible grace
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5 Responses to When Dreams Come True and Then Change

  1. Heather says:

    Hi Nickolee! I discovered your blog through a friend’s facebook post that had a recent blog post you had made. I can relate your present reality in many ways. Two years ago, God brought my husband and I back home from living in China for four years. We did not have to come back for medical reasons. We came back because of struggles with team dynamics and not really finding our niche. I really struggled overseas and it was hard on my marriage too. But I completely understand that you are grieving the loss of a dream and wondering what is next. My husband and I have felt lost often wondering what God is going to do with us now. It’s been a long journey that’s not done yet. I thought we’d be overseas forever and now we are back. Overseas I was the rich American and now I’m the poor American. I’ve wrestled with God a lot and he’s brought me to the place of accepting what I do not understand and knowing that he loves me no matter what and will lead me down this twisty road called life. I’ve been praying for you since I read your blog. I’m praying God will meet you in your grief and remind you of all the ways he provides and cares for you. I cannot say honestly that he’s answered all my prayers the way I want him to, but he’s helped me to accept that I am truly an immigrant in my own country and has given me opportunities to love a few immigrants from other countries. He doesn’t waste our struggles. He does allow us to struggle and ponder, but he doesn’t leave us alone and he uses those struggles to grow in us love and compassion for others. You are not alone in returning from being overseas wondering what’s next. Please know that in Philadelphia, PA, a woman named Heather is praying for you often.
    From a fellow daughter of the King, Heather

  2. lynn kennedy says:

    Dear Nickolee..we do not know each other but I am prying for you. It is startling to read about your illness. You are so young and in the midst of living your Missions dream!” I am privileged to be a missionary in West Africa. but this email is not about me. In fact, I guess it is not even about you! It is about our Lord Jesus. You and your family honoured God by saying “YES” and persevering. You have honoured Him by loving a people some would consider unlovable. You are honouring Him by trusting and staying close to Him. You are in His hands. In times of sadness, confusion..and yes, anger..never lose sight of the fact HE is in control and loves YOU beyond our ability to understand.

  3. Denise says:

    Praying for you and your family! I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis, but you know God is bigger than our circumstances and He will be glorified through your life!

  4. Carolyn Salley says:

    I have enjoyed all the things you have written since you started the journey. What a disappointment! But,wait you are still on the journey. God still has a plan for your life. It is likely that it will still be a wonderful Glory to Him. I am praying for you and your family. You are loved and cared for by so many that you have influenced and brought glory to God. I have always loved mission work, but somehow I never felt the call to go on the field. Yet, I have been involved in praying and giving and just being a friend of God all these years. I have had Missionaries spend the night in my home. One time a couple spent the night in my home on their honeymoon. They were students and the brother, mother and father were with them.The groom and his parents were from South America and had come for their son’s wedding. I have many missionaries that I pray ofr most everyday. God is so good to us. I just want you to know that I care very much about you and your family. I will be praying for you.

  5. Twila Rawson says:

    Have been praying for yall while you were on the field and through this diagnosis process. Will continue to do so. Wished I could have been at my church Wed to see you and hear you speak. Heard it was wonderful. Thanks for sharing your heart.

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