I knew it was back. Or maybe it had never gone away. Either way, I could feel it. That imbalance that “they” say is chemical – the one that makes me feel like I’m sinking and can’t keep my head above water. I was experiencing it even though I tried to fight it with all I had. Depression. It’s such an ugly sounding word to me. It makes me feel like I’ve failed and to top it all off, I don’t WANT to feel this way. I look around at every gift that He has given and I can’t find a single reason to be depressed. So the smile goes on my face, life goes on like normal until it doesn’t…and I’m swirling in these waters that feel like chains.
There’s something different about depression vs being depressed. It’s a verb that changes to a noun. It’s an active thing in my life that I can’t quite escape. Everything in life…little bitty tiny things turn into gigantic monsters that seem uncontrollable. Things that even in the midst of it – I know wouldn’t seem like such a big deal to the “normal Nickolee”, yet they continue to suffocate me. There are fleeting moments in this state that I try to think outside of the confines of depression. I fight to get a better perspective. And on occasion, I get a glimpse before sliding back down into the pit.
Three months after recognizing it for what it is, I’m doing better. Actually, I’m doing great. The Lord has led me to the things that help me the most when this happens and I’m back to being me. It is truly a victory in the Lord. It’s incredible to me how much things start to change. I am able to focus on what the Lord is teaching me, convicting me of, and revealing to me. I can teach my sweet (& talkative) kiddos at school and still come home and have energy and a positive attitude with my babies at home (well, most of the time!). I don’t feel like I’m drowning. It doesn’t get hard to breathe when I think of tasks that need to be done, and honestly, I just feel like myself – the good and the bad.
I type all of this because I’m tired of people not talking about it. Maybe you or someone you love has never struggled with depression. But maybe you or someone you love has…maybe they are right now. Perhaps, they don’t know how to label what they are feeling…do me a favor? Encourage them. Help them to seek help, a doctor, a counselor, whomever. It’s not something that someone can handle on their own. The Lord has given us professionals that this is their ministry. Them helping someone going through depression is what the Lord has called them to – allow them to use their gifts.
There’s days and times I don’t want to talk about it. There’s a stigma that comes with the word. And there have been times when I’ve chosen to share that I have to fight hard to break through the shame and self doubt. But here’s the deal. I have to talk about it. He is working through it. I don’t always see it and most of the time I wonder why He’d bother – but it doesn’t change the truth of the fact that HE IS. He is working to glorify Himself. So, if me going through this (and anything/everything that will happen from this day forward) will bring more glory to His name – then what’s not to talk about?
I can’t be quiet about it. If I am quiet, then the Enemy wins. I’m not being loud to boast in myself…ha, not too much to boast about!! But I do boast in my Savior. In the One who can and is working in all and through all things.
I shout about how He alone can rescue us from the pit of darkness and lead us into incredible, marvelous light.
I sing to proclaim His goodness even when it may not appear that way to us.
I marvel at the One who is the victorious King of Kings…yet He CHOOSES to use me.
He loves me.
He wants me.
He wants all of me.
No. I absolutely can not be quiet about this struggle.
Depression is so often a whispered word. Help me make it not so.